I was so excited about my triumph yesterday that I thought I would do something big and be okay with it. I had this frame of mind that I'm cured.
And I ate a chocolate covered donut. I enjoyed about half, felt guilty the other half, just like my pumpkin spice latte, but I powered through, thinking that this was part of the mind game. I finished and two minutes later felt sick to my stomach. What did I just do? What was I thinking??? Did I not take into account how many calories that was??????? I wanted to undo the whole thing and I was really upset. I knew what I was going to do, but I had to take Nina to school first.
I took Nina to school got home and well, I threw up the donut. I'm not gonna say how because I don't want to teach anyone how to throw up. But it was effective. I don't think I'm ever gonna want to have a donut again. Not just from the pukage package, but from the mental experience. I was horrified at what I did. And scared that all the calories didn't get out of me when I threw it up, so I let my tummy settle down and then got on my elliptical and rode it for 100 minutes. Yes, an hour and forty minutes. I think I had some sort of internal meltdown today. And I've eaten the bare minimum today, still counting the calories of the donut in my overall day, just in case my body absorbed them. I know. I've gone insane.
So today wasn't the best day. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm feeling a bit defeated. Like the extreme opposite of yesterday. I'm really depressed about it, actually.
There is a positive happening today, tho. After some serious arm twisting through various channels of "the system", Tricare approved me for the Emily Program. Now we are waiting on a call from them.