Okay, my last post was super crazy. But it was true. Although it may seem I've lost my marbles, I am starting to connect some dots. Even if it doesn't make the screaming headaches disappear, it does help to know. For instance, the "blackouts"; they are a part of my diagnosis for DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder. A.k.a. Multiple personalities. One of the symptoms for DID is also eating disorders. Hmm. Seems fitting. The anxiety is part DID, but mostly my stay at Reasons. I'll explain:
I have an internal, used-to-be subconscious thing, that when there's been a change in my normal routine, it takes me an "x" amount of time to regroup. Like, let's say, when Scott does a tdy. After he
comes home I allow myself time to fall apart to recuperate. Everything I held together to stay strong during his absence, I then release and feel the anxiety, fears, and stresses that I held back. We call it my down time. Scott pointed out last night that for six weeks, in a place I didn't feel safe, I held it together. I'm still processing those anxieties, fears, and stresses. Hence the anxiety that has me shaking all day. And it's six weeks worth. It's gonna take some time and I have to be kind to myself on this one. Allow myself that time.
As for the "blackouts". I'm taking that ball of wax to battle. I'm gonna get a grip on that. I can control it to a certain degree and I have more "degree" than I admit. So I am challenging myself that through my anxieties, I will be mindful of where I am, being present in every second of my day, so that I don't fall into a "blackout". It's when I let my mind wander that I let myself go. It's actually physically exhausting to be on myself, so I fall back on the being kind to myself. It's just going to take time.
And I'm just gonna stop the merry-go-round of getting wrapped up in allowing all this mental crap define me. I'm always reminding myself that. Friends are reminding me. I'll admit, I use it as a crutch, I use it to say this is me and I let it take me over. I'm going to work on undoing that; in a way, I'm embracing it, but putting boundaries on it's power. I'm so much more than labels. And this is something that I know is going to be an on/off switch thing. I'll believe it and live it for some days, and other days I'll backslide. But, like Scott told me last night, it's about getting back up again instead of crutching. And like all the above, it's going to take time. For the sake of myself and my family, I've got nothing but time.
And all of this needs not to be on just my shoulders. I've got Someone walking me through; I just got to remember to hold His hand.
All that aside, I'm still living daily life. Slowly. The kids are actually my biggest challenge. They stress me out with their bickering, obnoxiousness, and needs. I really want to be with them and enjoy them because I love them, but I have to set boundaries with them. They can be an overkill sometimes. I'm stressing patience, but it's wearing thin because I'm stressing patience on all aspects of life. I only have so much.
Scott's been my knight in shining armor as usual. But it's different this time and he had me balling like a baby last night with the reality check: he can't always physically be there. He can't always save me. To me that translates as he's abandoning me. Or that it changes our love. Or limits it. I don't know. It just makes me feel absolutely scared. It's more change to adapt to and it's always been a part of us that he's there when I crumble. Now I crumble by myself. Or so it seems.
Then there's my girls. My sweet, moody, pregnant goatie girls. At first when they came home, I couldn't deal with them. I avoided them for three days. Then I missed them. Then I was questioning my ability to take care of them, what's best for them, what's best for me (should I be doing goats when I'm such a mess?). I was almost ready to give them up. Then I went out to the barn. And I sat in the middle of the barn, in poopy straw and everything. And they loved on me and I loved on them. I think I was out there for almost two hours. I couldn't get enough of them. And I knew, come hell or high water, I'm in it all with my girls right beside with me.
Come hell or high water, I'm going through with it with a lot more besides me than goats. There's so much to remember.