Adjustments.

Well.

It's bittersweet to be blogging this post. I have some disappointing news all the way around.

First, let's address Alice and her pregnancy. Yeah, she was never pregnant. By no fault of anyone (except the buck, lol), she just didn't take and instead of getting bigger via pregnancy, she has gotten fat via grain. In fact, since I have taken her off grain, she has become quite despondent with me. Little stinker.

I was very sad that Alice was not pregnant. I mourned for days. I invested so much time, attention, and money into the venture just for it to be naught. I was beyond excited and anticipated so much. It was all a let down. Alas, we press forward. . .

The next plan is to find a breeder for her. I want her bred by December, for May kids, but I am having such a difficult time finding anyone other than "driveway breeders". Driveway breeders, literally, bring their buck out to the driveway, in which the goats do their thing and we drive off afterwards. The downfall is it's even less of a guarantee that she will be impregnated, it's expensive for what risk you take, I would have to know exactly when she's in heat (and I'm still learning Alice since I haven't been paying attention for five months, thinking she was preggo), and honestly, I don't think it's the way to go about it. Very impersonal. I want more. I'm willing to pay more for getting more. Arghh. ;)

So that's that.

Next is about me. I have a confession to make. Without getting into nitty-gritty details, I suffered a pretty big bout of depression around Halloween. I could blame the PTSD and/or the Bipolar stuff, but regardless, it happened and it landed my suicidal butt in the hospital for five days. I was admitted on my birthday. It was hard. I wanted to come home right away; I didn't wanna be there. But it was necessary. I had plans to do me harm and I had to be somewhere safe until my plans dissolved from demise to hope. And eventually willingness took over willfulness and I got my hope back. I still struggle from hour to hour, but it's not as dark.

As a result, Scott and I determined that getting on my feet and taking care of myself needed to be at the forefront of my agenda, so we put the kids back in public school. They are NOT happy. When I say that, it's still an understatement. Nina has argued til she's blue in the face, but is steadily becoming resolved. Dominic is throwing all sorts of processing fits. He's angry, confused, frustrated. . . everything he doesn't need as he tries to adjust. I finally had a break through with him this morning before he climbed on the bus. He actually smiled and said I love you!

I feel guilty that the kids are back at school because I feel like I have failed as a parent. They were happier to be by my side and ultimately, so was I. There's an intimacy between mom and kids when you homeschool. Public school can't replace that and I think my kids are mourning that loss. I feel I have stripped them of that bond we have. The three of us are struggling on how to replace that loss with something new and just as good.

In a nutshell, keep us in your prayers as we readjust to life circumstances. Pray for my children. Pray for well-rounded classmates they can befriend, peace and strength about this change.

Thank you!