Good grief; no really, the grief is good!

Okay, I am bursting at the seams to tell you about Arabella. It would appear that I am being challenged with goats because of Alice not being pregnant (just a bummer) and now this. . .

I have to rewind to when I asked Melissa (my awesome mentor on goats) about a lump on Arabella's private part. Melissa said that sounded interesting, she had no idea what this lump could be, so I had Arabella checked out by a vet. He said she had a swollen clitoris from rubbing when she's in heat. He said to wipe that area with Tuck's three times a day and it'll go away in a couple weeks.

It never went away.

Meanwhile. . .

Arabella has been acting strange since about four months old and has been increasingly peculiar as she has gotten older. I refer to her as my lesbian goat because she does weird things like sticks her nose in the other girls' pee stream, "talks" to them with noises  the other girls have never used, pushes their back ends with her head, and mounts the other girls when they are in heat--aggressively. She mounts the other girls when SHE is in heat, lol! She just doesn't act normal and being a newbie at all this, I thought she was just in her own world and she's my lesbian goat. Well, I wasn't too far off! I've been doing some more reading and apparently, I have a hermaphrodite goat. . . she has girl outside parts, but boy inside parts. And what she has been behaving like is a buck, but with a girl twist. And that "swollen" part on her clitoris is basically, a wanna-be penis. Likewise, she has next to nothing in teat size--another symptom. Crazy, huh!? I had to know for a fact, so I had Arabella checked out by another vet and he confirmed my goat is a she-he.

I sound all light-hearted about it, but I was crushed. I cried. No babies and now my best pedigree is absolutely worthless. She was  the one Melissa asked me to milk test and everything. She's not worth $100. I paid a bazillion! (Not really, but you know what I mean. It was a chunk of investment in my world.) I was mad and I am still sick to my stomach about it, but who was to know? It's not anyone's fault and it's not Arabella's fault. I blame no one because there is no one to blame. It is what it is, I suppose. So I have been having my on/off grieving days. The only thing she is good for is being what's called a "teaser". . . she knows exactly when my girls are in heat and tells me about it. I don't know what  to do with her. Do I keep her, do I sell her as a pet? Business wise, I should toss her, but sentiment-wise, I am tied to her. What would you do?

Aside from goat talk, we had more bad news in the vehicle department. Our truck requires about $2000 worth of repairs since the engine block is cracked. We found the truck, one day, leaking oil and antifreeze mixed and Scott says he thinks he can actually see the crack. I feel horrible because I think it's my fault. . . when that hose gave out on the truck and I drove it about ten minutes while it was full-blown overheating. . . I know in my gut that did it in.

So that's that. *Sigh* Life is such an adventure! Aside from my whining and venting, I just want to point out how good God has been to us even in our seemingly constant troubles. Everytime something has gone bad, we can see where God was at work so it could still go good. Like the truck, for instance. . . we actually had the jeep down for awhile and the truck lasted just long enough to get the jeep fixed before it broke down. Praise God! It could've been two vehicles down at the same time! And as for Arabella. . . Melissa wants to make it "right"~she doesn't have to, but she wants to. How amazing is that? And then there are blessings to count: my kids are doing better with school and they are healthy (just had their check-ups so I can verify that, lol!), Scott and I have each other instead of going at all this alone, our electricity isn't turned off, there's food on the table, my friends are family. . . the list goes on! I hold onto these truths because they are exactly that: the truth. I try to remind myself that this life is so fleeting, so enjoy the ride.

Adjustments.

Well.

It's bittersweet to be blogging this post. I have some disappointing news all the way around.

First, let's address Alice and her pregnancy. Yeah, she was never pregnant. By no fault of anyone (except the buck, lol), she just didn't take and instead of getting bigger via pregnancy, she has gotten fat via grain. In fact, since I have taken her off grain, she has become quite despondent with me. Little stinker.

I was very sad that Alice was not pregnant. I mourned for days. I invested so much time, attention, and money into the venture just for it to be naught. I was beyond excited and anticipated so much. It was all a let down. Alas, we press forward. . .

The next plan is to find a breeder for her. I want her bred by December, for May kids, but I am having such a difficult time finding anyone other than "driveway breeders". Driveway breeders, literally, bring their buck out to the driveway, in which the goats do their thing and we drive off afterwards. The downfall is it's even less of a guarantee that she will be impregnated, it's expensive for what risk you take, I would have to know exactly when she's in heat (and I'm still learning Alice since I haven't been paying attention for five months, thinking she was preggo), and honestly, I don't think it's the way to go about it. Very impersonal. I want more. I'm willing to pay more for getting more. Arghh. ;)

So that's that.

Next is about me. I have a confession to make. Without getting into nitty-gritty details, I suffered a pretty big bout of depression around Halloween. I could blame the PTSD and/or the Bipolar stuff, but regardless, it happened and it landed my suicidal butt in the hospital for five days. I was admitted on my birthday. It was hard. I wanted to come home right away; I didn't wanna be there. But it was necessary. I had plans to do me harm and I had to be somewhere safe until my plans dissolved from demise to hope. And eventually willingness took over willfulness and I got my hope back. I still struggle from hour to hour, but it's not as dark.

As a result, Scott and I determined that getting on my feet and taking care of myself needed to be at the forefront of my agenda, so we put the kids back in public school. They are NOT happy. When I say that, it's still an understatement. Nina has argued til she's blue in the face, but is steadily becoming resolved. Dominic is throwing all sorts of processing fits. He's angry, confused, frustrated. . . everything he doesn't need as he tries to adjust. I finally had a break through with him this morning before he climbed on the bus. He actually smiled and said I love you!

I feel guilty that the kids are back at school because I feel like I have failed as a parent. They were happier to be by my side and ultimately, so was I. There's an intimacy between mom and kids when you homeschool. Public school can't replace that and I think my kids are mourning that loss. I feel I have stripped them of that bond we have. The three of us are struggling on how to replace that loss with something new and just as good.

In a nutshell, keep us in your prayers as we readjust to life circumstances. Pray for my children. Pray for well-rounded classmates they can befriend, peace and strength about this change.

Thank you!